Your BlackBerry or Your Wife

When the Whole Family Is Staring at Screens, Time to Try a Tech Detox

10 Signs Your Devices Are Hurting Your Relationships:

1. You can't get through a meal without emailing, texting or talking on the phone.

2. You look at more than one screen at a time, checking email while watching television, for example.

3. You regularly email or text, other than for something urgent, while your partner or another family member is with you.

4. You sleep with your phone near you, and you check your email or texts while in bed.

5. You log onto your computer while in bed.

6. You have had an argument with a loved one about your use of technology.

7. You text or email while driving.

8. You no longer go outside for fun.

9. You never turn off your phone.

10. When you spend time with your family—a meal, a drive, hanging out—each person is looking at a different screen.

What We're Doing Online

Online activities that Americans engaged in during November 2010, ranked according to the total number of minutes spent and the percentage of online time. Nielsen Co. calculated the ranking based on a panel of 200,000 people age 2 and older, some randomly selected and some recruited online.

Rank	Category	Total Minutes (in billions)	Share of Time
1	Social Networks/Blogs	63.5	23.8%
2	Online Games	26.1	9.8
3	Email	19.9	7.5
4	Portals	10.9	4.1
5	Videos/Movies*	10.7	4.0

Source: Nielsen Co.

* Refers to time spent on video-specific and movie-related websites only. Doesn't include video streamed on other types of sites (i.e. sports or news sites).

When you're out to dinner, does your BlackBerry occupy a seat at the table? Does your spouse ever check email before saying "good morning" to the kids? Does your son sleep with his laptop?

It may be time for a technology cleanse.

Like an extreme diet that cuts out all processed foods for a short period of time with the promise of lasting good health, a technology cleanse means you unplug for a short time with longer-term benefits for your relationships.

But be warned: As with any other diet, it isn't easy.

Diane Broadnax, a 50-year-old clinical trial researcher from Mount Airy, Md., recently became fed up with the way her family dispersed to separate computers each evening. Anika, 4, would watch "Dora the Explorer" on a laptop in the kitchen, while Jasmine, 12, would play with her virtual pets online. Ms. Broadnax's husband, Lonnie Broadnax, 50, went to his home office to watch a sci-fi DVD, and she would make dinner—while checking her email. Many nights, each person would eat in front of his or her respective screen. "Days were going by and we weren't talking," Ms. Broadnax says.

So one evening last November, she gave her family some news. For one week, they would forgo all computerized entertainment—personal email, texting, Facebook, DVDs and online videos (they don't have a regular TV). Computers and devices would be used only for work and homework. Horrified, her 12-year-old said it was no different than being grounded.

Ms. Broadnax persevered: The next night she made her family's favorite dinner (chicken and rice) and set the table with candles. But when everyone sat down to eat, the conversation was stilted. The girls gave one-word answers to their parents' questions. Even the adults felt ill at ease.

"I didn't know what to say, so some stuff came out really awkward," Jasmine recalls. "We all thought, 'We are sitting at the table like we're supposed to, but now what do we do?' " Mr. Broadnax, a Web designer, says. The meal was so uncomfortable that the family skipped the molten chocolate cake Ms. Broadnax made for dessert. Afterward, Mr. Broadnax read a book. Jasmine went to her room. Anika played with toys in the kitchen while her mom cleaned up and made a few work phone calls.

For all our constant connectivity, our electronic devices often keep us apart. Texting causes misunderstandings. Facebook makes us jealous. Television makes us too lazy or tired or distracted for sex. (Don't believe me? A few years ago, an Italian study showed that couples who have a TV in the bedroom have sex half as often as those who do not.)

Some therapists prescribe tech cleanses for clients. Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a Mount Kisco, N.Y., marriage and family therapist, says technology is a distraction from family—and hard to resist because it's portable and provides instant gratification. It's also an easy escape if we're having trouble in a relationship. "Technology should be on the list of the top reasons why people divorce, along with money, sex and parenting," she says. She has seen couples who communicate almost entirely through text, email and phone messages. "There has to be some time in the week when you are all together and you shut off the technology," she says.

Last year, a group of Jewish artists and media professionals created the Sabbath Manifesto, a list of 10 principles to be followed one day a week in order to unwind. High on the list: "Avoid Technology." The group has declared a National Day of Unplugging, from sundown on Friday, March 4, until sundown on Saturday, March 5. Even the Dunphys, on hit TV sitcom "Modern Family," tried to go a week tech-free.

In "The Winter of Our Disconnect," a book coming out later this month, author Susan Maushart describes the technology fast she undertook with her three teenagers. Ms. Maushart says she was so attached to her iPhone that she slept with it under her pillow and started buying it "little outfits and jewelry." Her then-15-year-old son was addicted to videogames, and her 14- and 18-year-old daughters were consumed by social media.

"It got to the point where we would inhabit the same room, but we weren't connecting," says Ms. Maushart, 52, of Mattituck, N.Y.

For six months while living in Australia in 2009, she and her children unplugged everything with a screen. For entertainment, they went to the movies, ate family meals, played board games and read the newspaper on Saturday mornings. Her son rediscovered his saxophone. Her daughters began cooking and wrote a novel together.

To ensure her kids' participation, Ms. Maushart promised each a portion of her book proceeds. Her 14-year-old tired of the technology freeze and moved in with her father for six weeks (she eventually moved back). The trial was worth it. "We appreciate each other more," says Ms. Maushart.

Interested in a tech cleanse? Here are some tips from people who have learned from experience.

Give your family advance warning. They need time to prepare mentally.

Clarify your goal: Be careful not to swap technology use for some other isolating activity.

Wean yourself off gadgets gradually. Maybe a week—or even just one day—is too long to go unconnected at first.

Start when your kids are young. Rob and Lauren Webster tried a tech fast last year after realizing how often they plopped their kids, ages 1 and 2, in front of cartoons to keep them quiet. "I really don't want to screw up my kids," says Mr. Webster, 39, director of video production at a church in Leawood, Kan. When they unplugged and took the children to the park, "we found ourselves constantly engaged with our kids and with each other," he says.

Be clear on the rules. Will calls and emails for work be allowed? What about going online for homework? What are the consequences for cheating?

Let technology help you disconnect. Use Facebook, Twitter or email to tell friends and family that you will be offline. Have emails sent to your inbox in batches.

Make the bedroom a media-free zone.

When the cleanse is done, learn to avoid the time-suck of letting one Internet search lead to another and another. You can waste hours.

Allow only one screen at a time. Give the TV, for example, your full attention, rather than also looking at your computer and iPhone.

The Broadnax family extended their tech cleanse for five days. Then one evening, Ms. Broadnax came home from work and found her husband and two daughters playing a trivia game, moving pieces around a game board and reading questions off the computer screen. All three were laughing. "Here was an almost perfect solution," says Ms. Broadnax. "It was family interaction with technology. The screen was there, but it wasn't the focal point."

SOURCE: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703779704576073801833991620.html